E3 2014: Beating up on billionaires with Super Smash Bros [Hands-on]

I had a real moment while at the Nintendo booth on Wednesday at E3. As I waited in line to play the latest console edition of Super Smash Bros, I saw the crowd of people building around the demo stations. It was just past lunch, and everyone seemed to make a bee-line for the kiosks in the area, hoping for a chance to win a t-shirt. Nintendo had been giving out specially branded Smash shirts to the winners of the four-player demos, and they had quickly become the hot commodity around the show floor.

I wanted one. I wanted one baaaad.

I was wearing a relaxed, faded old shirt that had soda pop branding on it. I wanted something new to take home, something sexier. I knew how to play Smash Bros, having spent considerable time online with the Wii edition honing my skills. I was confident. I was secretly stereotyping the other three players I was up against as amateurs, readying them to fall to my Kid Icarus Pit. One was just happy for his Gamestop manager to pay for his trip to Los Angeles. One was wearing his grandfather’s suit coat. One was smiling and giggling far too much. That shirt was mine.

As we stepped up to bat for our turn, we were told that the match will play out in two parts. First a practice round, to get us accustomed to the game so that we’re not going in blind to the second part, the actual for real winner-take-all round. We were then handed Gamecube controllers, and my heart melted. The Gamecube controller! Much-maligned at the time, but now a solid god damned piece of video game interface art, the controller fits my hand like a custom leather glove. Like a fitted shirt. Like a hat that’s had the rim bent in on itself for days.

THAT SHIRT WAS MINE.

I looked over to my left at my opponents. College Gamestop kid was wondering what kind of ancient technology he was holding. “This isn’t an Xbox controller,” he was thinking to himself. Giggly guy was holding the controller wrong, waving it up and down. Amateur. Sport coat kid was… OH MY GOD I THINK THAT’S PALMER LUCKEY! Oculus Founder Palmer Luckey! I was playing Super Smash Bros against one of the greatest young innovators of this generation! Okay, panic attack time!

Wait, wait, wait. He’s a PC kid. He’s probably hardly held a Gamecube controller before. There’s no keyboard and mouse in Smash Bros. I could do this.

The first round played out much like I expected it to. Lucario, Mega Man, and Princess Peach took the floor against me. While everyone enjoyed bouncing around the screen, I was testing the move set for Pit. His arrows, his specials, the speed at which he jumped and landed. I was pixel-mapping. I didn’t care if I won this round — after all, it was just for practice any way. I barely watched the others out of the corner of my eye, hearing them hoot and holler as players fell off of the Animal Crossing inspired stage. Amateurs. I wasn’t racking up points, I was plotting. I was going to lose, but that was fine.

Suddenly the screen went dark, except for a lone Mega Man that split into five. Ah, the Final Smash! Wonderful. Oh, Luckey was Mega Man? And now he was fist pumping at pulling off the move? Fine. He probably pushed a random combination of buttons and achieved it. He won the match? Yes, he did. Great. No worries. I let him, and the others, have their fun. I was channeling Pit at this point. I was going to obliterate. Pit can fly, so there was no way I could fail.

The final round began shortly after. We chose our characters — Luckey as Samus Aran, Giggly as Kirby, Gamestop kid as Greninja, and I retained Pit. It was on.

THAT. SHIRT. WAS. MINE.

Attack, jab, attack, jab. Arrow arrow arrow. Deflection. Knock down. Fall off of screen. Wait, why wasn’t this working? Amidst the chaos of characters jumping around on the stage and my focus on mastering Pit in 3 minutes, I had failed to realize that these guys weren’t just chaotically pushing buttons, they were actually pretty good. Palmer didn’t win the previous match because the others were worse, he won because he knew how to play Smash Bros, he knew how to fight.

And then. And then, as I was about to launch my own Final Smash, I’m pegged off from behind by Greninja, who had picked up a Smash ball. I was slaughtered. The match ended with Samus and Greninja in a sudden death tie breaker. Luckey played careful, conservative, until at one discreet moment he managed to land a hit on Gamestop kid and the battle was over. Luckey won.

The billionaire, who could buy a thousand million Super Smash Bros t-shirts, is handed the special badge to redeem at Nintendo’s desk, and I stood there mouth agape. You’re rich, I’m poor, and all I had to hope for was a t-shirt.

Life isn’t fair like that sometimes.

After the emotional ordeal, it was apparent that Smash Bros was still Smash Bros. The controls were as tight as ever. The game was as competitive as Melee, the best in the series before it. This is the version that everyone has wanted. Super Smash Bros for Wii U will consumer our lives come Fall.

And Palmer Luckey will be there, wearing his limited edition t-shirt. And mine will have the words “Enjoy Coke” on them.