Tony Hawk: Ride, better than Actually Skateboarding

Contributed by: Whitney Meers

Yesterday marked the international debut of Tony Hawk: Ride. I had the opportunity to play the game at E3 this year, and accordingly, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why Ride, which includes a motion-sensory board that you “skate” on in the comfort of your carpeted living room, is better than real-life skateboarding.

No injuries

I was a skateboarder for nine years of my life, and I have some fascinating scars to prove it. Once, I slammed so hard I skinned a chunk of my face off. I’m sure I looked pretty hot when I showed up to my school dance the next night with a giant scab on my face.

People just don’t really want to talk to someone covered in bruises, scars and scabs. So, why not stay pretty by playing a simulated skateboarding game instead? The worst that can happen with Ride is that you get sore from playing too long – unless you somehow manage to trip and crack your head open against a coffee table.

Avoidance of Lame Insults

Most skateboarders have dealt with lines like this before: “Hey, four wheels! Get a car! And a job!” The worst part is that most of the people who make these kinds of terrible jokes think they’re hilarious. The best way to deal with them? Avoid them at all costs. You can do this by playing Ride in front of your TV in your own home. But, just a warning: playing Ride won’t stop your parents from telling you to get a car and a job.

Girls in the Game are Actually Impressed by Skateboarders (Unlike Real Life)

“Hey, baby! Want to ride back home with me on my skateboard and kick it at my apartment? We can watch a movie – just try to ignore the fact that we’ll be surrounded by sweat-stained t-shirts and empty beer cans.” In the real world, you’ll only have a limited degree of success with a pick-up line like that. But in Ride, if you can master the street course, you’ll have the ladies loving you so much that they’ll be throwing their panties at you. It’s too bad they’re only video game characters.

Fast Track to the 900

It took Tony Hawk years of skateboarding to be able to do a 900. For you, it’ll take a few hours in front of your television. Which one is actually worth the effort? Well, if you have things to do with your life other than living and breathing skateboarding, then you’re probably better off with the latter.

Exercise is for Losers

Not that Ride doesn’t involve movement , it involves a hell of a lot of it – but it’s far more limited than the pushing and kicking and turning involved with skateboarding. And seriously, who wants to be outside in the sweltering heat, sweaty and sore, when you could be at home eating junk food and enjoying the cool blast of your ac unit, unlocking goals with minimal effort?

Drinking and Skateboarding Don’t Mix

Let’s face it… it’s pretty tough to engage in any sort of athletic activity after a few drinks. But Ride‘s a game. Even though it requires a great deal of coordination and bodily movement, it’s not nearly as tough as maneuvering in and out of traffic on a skateboard because your double-vision made it impossible for you to see that car coming.